Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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