My cat gives me a boner
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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