oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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