i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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