Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
