I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
