then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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