Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
