I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
