I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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