I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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