why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
