i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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