Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
