There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
