do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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