I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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