Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
