I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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