Who did Billy Mays play for?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
