Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
