We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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