Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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