Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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