I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We had sex on a dog bed..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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