I want to have your abortion
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
