Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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