apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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