decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
