Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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