I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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