hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
