I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
