My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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