got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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