I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
