You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
