Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
