I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
