If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He did a backflip because drugs
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