i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
