Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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