Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
