Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
