dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
