why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I lost the right to judge tonight
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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