i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
