we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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