Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When are your genitals available?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
