just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
