my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
